Notorious Bisexuals
by GyptianRose
Summary: The Marauders are known for their smarts and romantic endeavors with each other. Watch the drama unfold at Hogwarts as they grow unhappy with their current relationships and seek out new ideas. It contains slash, obviously. This baby is finished!
1. Chapter 1

Hey gang! This is my first fanfic /_gasp/_ ever! So please give me lots of feedback and suggestions, because I wish only to improve. I'm already casting a slightly dissaffected eye at this poor glimpse of a first chapter already.

And, as usual -- the disclaimers. If I owned Harry Potter or any of its characters thereof, I wouldn't be sitting here writing my interpretation of my own book. And yes, this is slash, so there's gay/bisexual guys in here doing gay/bisexual things. If you no like, turn back and don't flame me. Because I have lesbian wrath, yes I do.

* * *

Remus walked out to the grounds to sit with his best friends – Sirius, James, and Peter – under a tree by the lake, setting himself down beside Sirius and opening a book. James was showing off for a nearby gaggle of giggling girls with a bunch of little sparrows he conjured, occasionally making one fly over to the girls and tweet an irritatingly sweet song. Peter was watching him with his usual dazed awe, which Sirius had described to Remus once as "worse than a million of those insipid girls." 

Laying his head comfortably on Sirius's shoulder, Remus read his book thoroughly. Since it was a favor of Dumbledore to set everything up for him and let him stay there, Remus found it the least he could do to promise near-top marks. A couple of girls nearby shouted "aww!" as he leaned against Sirius – the four of them were sometimes called "The Notorious Bisexuals." Sirius was a tall and handsome heartthrob, his square jaw and messy black hair making him one of the top picks for all of the girls in school – and any guy of that persuasion. Remus, a tired and waifish werewolf with high cheekbones and long, ratty curls of yellow-brown hair tucked in a loose ponytail, had simply learned in his difficult life to take affection where he could get it. He never turned anyone down, although in the shadow of his more masculine friends he was not often chased by girls. James Potter, the bespectacled quidditch star with dashing good looks, only fooled around with the two of them for attention as far as Remus knew. If there was one good way to make girls drop their jaws, it was giving a male friend a good quick snog in the hallways before class. Speaking of which….

Sirius smirked in his cocky way and gave Remus a gentle, short kiss that was reciprocated almost dutifully. James got the idea and made the birds vanish in an instant, snuggling up against Remus and nuzzling his cheek with the same sort of smirk on his face. Remus gave him a grateful smile, despite the fact that girls were now screaming with delight and Peter looked like he was about to wet himself, and nestled happily between them, squashing a slight used feeling that crept up inside him. _These are the best friends you have,_ he told himself, _look what all they've done for you! Be grateful._

James suddenly began teasing him. "Moony, dear, is that a gray hair I see on you? You're aging too fast for us!"

"With all your hi-jinks I expect I'll have whole streaks of it by the time I'm twenty."

"You really need to relax more, mate… Speaking of which, when is the next full moon? I've been itching to see Hogsmeade in the night again."

"Easy for you to say…. It's next Tuesday." Remus's left thigh was still in the process of healing from the last full moon – a werewolf's bite can't be fixed by easy magic, and he was not allowed to see Madame Pomfrey about it, in case word should get out about him.

"You know," Sirius's gruff voice interrupted, "You and I should try having mad gay canine sex during a full moon sometime. It could keep your mind off sawing yourself to pieces."

Remus yawned sleepily and nuzzled up against Sirius, no longer interested in his potions book. "Figure out the mechanics of that operation and get back to me on it."

"Evans at 11 O'clock, James. Make sure she doesn't catch you staring at the front of her robes again." Sirius and Remus both found James's obsession with the one girl that loathed him the funniest thing next to Severus Snape falling flat on his face, and exploited it for jokes whenever possible.

"Shut up. You know she secretly wants me."

"Yeah. Just as much as Snively does, I reckon." Remus thought he caught a flash in James's eyes when he made the joke, but didn't bring it to anyone's attention.

Snape was not only a slimy purebloodophilic bugger, but a nasty homophobe as well. As Remus pondered this he noticed that Sirius often gave Remus a good kiss when Severus walked by just to disgust him. _He likes you. He's not just using you. Do_ _you really deserve to be treated better, anyway? Of course not. You're a werewolf. Take what you can get, Remus. _


	2. Chapter 2

Well, here's chapter two, a day ahead of schedule! Many, many thanks to all the people who reviewed -- the ego boost really gave me the energy to bang this baby out, I hope it doesn't disappoint! It's almost twice as long as the first one...

And, as usual -- the disclaimers. If I owned Harry Potter or any of its characters thereof, I wouldn't be sitting here writing my interpretation of my own book. And yes, this is slash, so there's gay/bisexual guys in here doing gay/bisexual things. If you no like, turn back and don't flame me. Because I have lesbian wrath, yes I do.

* * *

Remus woke the next morning to the sound of a girl giggling as she left the room. He tossed back the curtains around his bed to see James asleep in his proper bed and Sirius looking smug, sitting on his. 

"Don't you ever get a full night's sleep by yourself in that bed?"

"Do you really even need to ask that, Moony? You know I make it my business not to."

_You know better than to feel used, you're his _friend_. Not just a boy-toy. Surely not like the skank that just slipped out. Quit that. _"Well… I'm going to take a shower. See you in the great hall, I guess."

"Alright, mate." Sirius stretched and yawned, making a cute sound reminiscent of a dog's tired whine. "You go have fun."

Remus gave an involuntary shudder: Showering was not something he would call "fun." It served only an unpleasant reminder of his condition and disfigurement, which were two things that he did not need any reminding of, especially since the full moon was only a week away. He walked over to the Gryffindor bathroom and began to undress, daring a glance at himself in the mirror. His reflection gave him a rather sad look and said "My, it looks like you're not getting nearly enough sleep. And can't you do something about those hideous scars!" Remus gave his usual response to the cutting reflection of himself:

"Save your breath, I don't like having to look at them either. I wouldn't undress at all, but..." He started the water and waited a moment while it heated up. "One can't go about smelling like a dog, can he?"

"What was that about smelling like a dog, Moony? You're not insinuating that I stink, are you?" Remus jumped uncharacteristically at the sound of Sirius's voice.

"Decided to join me, have you?" _Stay calm. It may not be every day that you are interrupted during a nude conversation with yourself, but you must stay calm. _

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Naw, Moons. I just wanted to use the loo. Of _course_ I'm joining you! You're much better at scrubbing my hair than I am, and it _does_ smell like a dog." With that Sirius tousled his overgrown black hair and began shedding his clothes. "Is the water hot yet, mate?"

"I suppose so." Remus blushed a little and stepped into the shower. _Ugh_, _he probably thinks you look like a corpse. _

Sirius followed Remus and immediately sidled up against him. "You are one sexy beast, you know that?"

_He didn't mean "beast" in a bad way, quit thinking that. He's your friend. Even if he did mean it that way, he's still sticking by you. No, he's not sticking by you just for sex, either. _"You shouldn't lie to me, Padfoot, it isn't kind."

"Lie? Me! This is an insult." Sirius had a playful sort of "let's play chase" grin on his face, much like a puppy who bows before you with your smelliest sock in his mouth. "How could I lie to my very favorite lover?" He buried his nose in Remus's wet hair and suddenly Remus pushed him away.

"I-is that what I am?"

"You end up in my bed at night the most, don't you?"

"Only because I'm across the room, not across the tower." Something in Remus had snapped; the voice of reason in his head had been cut off.

Sirius looked confused. "Moony… Don't say a thing like that."

"But…" Moony was suddenly glad that he was in the shower, because he realized he was crying. "H-how do I-I know that's n-not true?"

"Moony… what are you talking about?" Sirius, in his strong-minded manner, clamped a hand firmly on Remus's shoulder and looked him hard in the eye. "Explain to me."

Remus blushed and tried to avoid Sirius's gaze, but he forced himself to look at Sirius when he spoke. "S-sometimes… I don't even think that you like m-me as a person, which doesn't make much sense, seeing as I'm so h-hideous, and a half-breed, b-but… You only want to screw when no girl will take you and you only k-kiss me when you want attention… a-and I don't even… i-it just feels like you're playing games with me, Sirius!" He was sobbing now, and his long hair had gotten in his face. He looked down miserably and studied a large scar on his right foot scathingly. "It's so horrible… I hate feeling like I'm being taken advantage of, but… I hate myself so m-much, I can't say no… n-nobody's ever wanted to hold me or kiss me or touch me until now… e-even before they knew that I'm a werewolf…"

Sirius, who looked almost as troubled as Remus, pulled him into a close hug and gently stroked his drenched hair. "Moony, mate… you're one of my best friends of all time. I would never, ever dream of using you and making you feel so horrible…" He slipped a hand under Remus's chin and drew his face up parallel with his own. "There is absolutely _nothing _ugly about you, Moony." He looked at Remus in silence for a moment. "That's really the reason that you… you gnaw on yourself like that, when you're a werewolf. Isn't it? You can't stand yourself…" With that he held him even tighter, running his fingers along the elevated scars along Remus's back as the shuddering figure in his arms continued to sob.

* * *

After a good cleaning up (Remus washed Sirius's hair quite well; he had even added some scent to it) and many reassuring hugs, the two headed down to the Great Hall. Sirius's hand was tightly closed around his friend's as if he was scared of Remus being sucked down by a portal at any second. 

When they got to the Hall and sat down next to James, he had his nose pressed up to something in his hands.

"Why're you sniffing that galleon, mate?"

James finally tore himself away and greeted them with a dreamy expression. "It smells like soy sauce."

"What! I didn't think you liked Chinese food." Remus had a slight grin as he said this, the first real smile he'd managed that morning.

"I won a bet with Evans." Sirius and Remus exchanged knowing looks, daring each other to tease him.

"Oh ho, Prongs. Does _she_ smell like soy sauce? I caught you sniffing her hair in charms the other day."

"Don't be a prat, Sirius. She carries about a muggle change purse that she said used to be a box that they put Chinese delivery food in."

"They deliver food? By those weird auto-whatsit things?"

"You're the one taking muggle studies, Remus."

"Wormtail is taking it, too."

Sirius quickly quipped: "Correction: You're the one _passing_ muggle studies." With this, Peter Pettigrew – who had been sitting next to James in silence -- made a small squeak of indignation.

"You were talking about Lily, remember?"

"Ah yes, the lovely Evans." James pushed his glasses up his nose a bit. "Anyway, she said that even though she scrubbed at the box, she never quite got the smell of soy sauce out of it."

"May we smell?" Sirius winked at Remus and whispered "_I bet you a knut he won't let us see it." _

"_I don't take fool's bets."_ Sirius laughed at this and put his hand out for the galleon.

"Come on, Prongs. Be a chap and hand it over."

"And let your filthy hands ruin the scent? This is not a galleon I intend to spend or pass around."

"We're not filthy! Moony just washed my hair for me. It smells lovely, want to see?"

"Finally! I was about to command you to turn into a dog so I could toss you in a bin and hose you with my wand."

Sirius gave him a look of mock-indignation. "You hush up!" Remus laughed and buried his nose in Sirius's unruly, sweet-smelling hair.


	3. Chapter 3

Hello all! Welcome to the third installment. I'm so wonderfully happy with all the reviews I've been getting, so do keep them coming! This thing was literally banged out in a few hours and it's given me a horrid headache, I hope you enjoy it. If only I was so enthused about the summer assignments I have…

And, as usual -- the disclaimers. If I owned Harry Potter or any of its characters thereof, I wouldn't be sitting here writing my interpretation of my own book. And yes, this is slash, so there's gay/bisexual guys in here doing gay/bisexual things. If you no like, turn back and don't flame me. Because I have lesbian wrath, yes I do.

* * *

Remus had found himself stuck between a wall and a hard place. That hard place being, namely, Severus Snape. Remus had been walking alone to Gryffindor Tower from the potions office when he noticed that the greasy character was following him. A more foolhardy wizard would have whipped right around, wand out, but Remus knew that was just what Snivelly was expecting him to do. So just as Snape seemed like he was about to curse him from a good three feet away, Remus turned calmly on his heels to surprise him. He did NOT expect to be pushed into a wall and have his lips collide full-on with Snape's. The Fat Lady was sleeping and Remus prayed that she wouldn't wake up and make a scene. Severus drew back and gave him a disgusted look.

"You dirty, half-breed pouf. I bet you liked that." Remus kept eye contact with him but said nothing. "I bet you'd give me a blow job if I asked you to. Nasty werewolf, you'd better hope your filthy blood-traitor _boyfriend _comes to save you."

Remus kept his expression calm and relaxed, but his eyes were steely. "If you asked me to go down on you, Severus, that would make _you_ the pouf, wouldn't it?"

Snape looked thunderstruck for a moment, and then proceeded to punch Remus in the jaw. "How _dare_ you say something like that to me! Like I would ever be one of _your_ kind." His lip curled in a hideous sneer. "Lycanthropic pansies are truly rare… If you don't do this for me, I could tell the whole school about you…"

* * *

Sirius awoke at 11 pm to find Remus's bed empty. Madam Pince kicked students out of the library at 9, so he must have either gone to see a professor about homework or had been held up by something. A little worried, Sirius grabbed a bit of parchment off of his bedside table and whispered, "_I solemnly swear I am up to no good."_ He tapped the paper with his wand and began scouring the map for Remus.

"He… he's right outside the portrait hole? And who's that just in front of him? …Snivelly? What in Hell is going on down there?" He grabbed his dressing robe and had it halfway on by the time he got to the door of the room. He whispered "_lumos,"_ running down the staircase at top speed.

* * *

Remus matched Snape's gaze, his eyes severe and cold. "You and I both know that you'd be expelled if you were to mention my condition to anyone. And I'm sure the other students would be hardly shocked to know that someone who repeatedly snogs other boys in the hallway is a homosexual." He was extremely frightened of Severus, but he knew he had the upper hand. All he had to do was act calm. "I'm not going to be performing anything on you tonight, nor any night after this. If you would kindly let me go…"

With those words, Snape held him down more tightly. He managed to hold on to him with one hand and grab his wand with the other, pointing it under Remus's chin and licking his lips. Severus was sweaty and slimy and breathing hard – and something malicious and strangely frightened was dancing in his cold black eyes. "I don't know how much you value your life, werewolf, but I do not in the least. You'd better be crawling down to your worthless knees in five… four… thr—"

"_Levicorpus!" _Sirius's gruff voice barked suddenly from behind Snape, and it was music to Remus's ears. Severus was suddenly suspended by an ankle in front of him.

"P-Padfoot!" Now that the situation was in control, his emotions tumbled out and he ran over to bury his face in Sirius's shoulder, wrapping an arm around him.

"You're bleeding, Moony…" Remus flushed and put a hand to his throbbing jaw, not surprised to find hot blood beneath his fingers.

"Snivellus wears a ring when he punches." He dismissed it; a little cut was the least of his problems. "How did you find me? H-he was about to make me…" Remus trailed off and shuddered, hugging Sirius closer.

Sirius put an arm around him comfortingly. "I woke up and you weren't there, so I checked the map… and I know what that slimy repressed maniac wanted from you." Snape grunted and muttered curses at them when he heard this, to which Sirius replied: "Oy! Shut up, you filthy, sniveling bastard! You've got no right to be alive, trying to pull shit like that." He raised his wand threateningly, but Remus gently lowered it.

"Padfoot, disarm him and let him go." He added rather quietly, "I don't want to be reporting this, it's much better if you don't give him anything to report about you."

Sirius looked at him incredulously. "Not report it! He just tried to… y-you can't just let him get away with it!"

"It's not exactly the type of thing I would like to call attention to, and… d'you honestly think that a professor would believe a story like that? Not from the 'brilliant Severus Snape.'" Sirius opened his mouth to say something, but Remus quickly answered his un-asked question. "No, Padfoot. You can't punish him for it yourself, because he'll turn _you_ in."

Sirius sighed and disarmed Severus. "I'm going to toss this thing real far down the hall, and you're going to follow it. You try anything funny and Remus and I will hex the brains out of you." Remus nodded resolutely at Snape.

Severus sneered "nasty poufs" at them as he was let down, and then made a cowardly dash down the hallway.

Remus folded into Sirius's arms and let him lead Remus back to the dormitory, shaking slightly. Sirius gently pulled Remus into his own bed and gave him a few reassuring kisses. "This is the second time I've seen you cry since we've met, Moony, and the first time was just yesterday."

"Just been a rough week, I guess…" Remus wiped at his eyes and curled himself under Sirius, falling asleep instantly.

* * *

Aww! I'm so mean to Remus. I'm sorry. Can you guys ever forgive me? Maybe my next chapter will be more fluffy and less dramatic, like the first chapter. Just to give you guys a drama break. Would you like that? Tell me! 


	4. Chapter 4

I hope you all find this ok. I really wasn't sure what I was doing when I wrote it; I just needed to put something less unpleasant between chapter 3 and chapter 5. Thank you ever so much for all your reviewing, and please please please continue!

* * *

_Hm… I'm in a Padfoot cocoon. _Remus had opened his eyes to find Sirius wrapped around him comfortably. What had woken him, he soon found out, was Sirius mumbling in his sleep.

"Fucking git… shouldn't lay a hand on Moons… kill you next time… _Get off Moony!_"

"Padfoot!" Remus pulled at Sirius's ear gently. "I'm right here…"

Sirius woke up with a jump and studied Remus's face carefully. "Are you all right? You look like you could use some food."

"I suppose I could. It looks like James and Wormtail beat us to breakfast again… Good thing first block is a free period."

Sirius made a face. "First and foremost, you need to go and wash your mouth out. Who knows what that git's got in his saliva?" Remus carefully disentangled himself and got up, Sirius giving his bum a quick pat as he did so. "Hurry now, I'm starving."

"Alright, I'm hurrying…" Remus jumped a bit and attempted at finger-combing his long hair on his way to the dorm bathroom, muttering to himself. "Damn tangles, I'm going to have to magic these out…"

* * *

Remus, his mouth newly cleaned, seated himself next to James in the Great Hall.

"'Ello, Moony! Didn't see you come in last night. Sausage?" James gave him a peck on the cheek and gestured to a large plate of breakfast sausages.

"W-what? Oh…" Remus flushed. "Um…"

Sirius, who sat across from them, cut in. "He'll have toast, Prongs." Remus gave him an extremely grateful look and grabbed a jar of marmalade.

"Is everything all right? You guys seem… on edge." James frowned. Remus flushed a little, but managed to fake a reassuring smile.

"We're fine, Prongs! Just exams, I guess." Sirius's voice cracked a little as he spoke. Remus noticed James and Peter exchange glances, and he kicked Sirius under the table.

"Honestly! You two are… you're not fighting, are you?"

"No! Hell no. Moony here never fights, you know that."

Peter spoke up: "Yeah… Snivelly could have Remus cornered and he wouldn't do a thing."

_Oh, God… I've got to get out of here. _"Um, I've still got to finish that potions essay. Padfoot, be a peach and help me, will you?"

"Are you implying that I'm a fruit when I do nice things for you?"

"That's precisely what I'm doing. You can eat that… er…" He flushed again, "sausage on the way to the library, can't you?"

"Mffp." Sirius swallowed his food. "I'm getting up!"

They walked together in silence until they were outside the Great Hall, when Remus leaned on the nearest wall and put his face in his hands. "This is deep shit… h-how am I supposed to face him in class?" Sirius wrapped his arms around him.

"I don't know… but you can't bloody well go skiving. C'mon, let's get to the library." Sirius took one of Remus's hands and gently tugged him along.

Remus walked for a bit before, without thinking, tossing his arms around Sirius and kissing him with a ferocity that caught Sirius off-guard. He seemed to manage to pick up on what Remus wanted rather quickly, however, and slipped his arms down to Remus's waist. Our little werewolf held the kiss for several minutes (who says breathing matters so much, anyway?) and pressed himself up against Sirius, tugging at his hair with a frenzied desperation. The kiss could have gone on for ages, but…

"Mr. Black! _Must_ you go about snogging every girl you… oh, I'm sorry, Lupin." Professor McGonagall, one of the younger teachers there, had walked in on them. "A-as I was saying. Décor and common decency request that you to keep your mouths to yourselves in public. _Do_ keep that in mind, Black, and inform Potter as well."

"Just who has James been snogging in hallways?"

"It appears I've said too much. Keep in mind what I've said, gentlemen. I suggest you get to wherever you were going." With a look that resembled an almost-half-smile, she walked with her usual quick stride past them and headed into the Great Hall.

Remus looked at his feet. "Um… sorry about that, Padfoot."

"What're you… Don't apologize for good kissing, Moony. I didn't know you had that in you." Sirius grinned mischievously. "Is that the first time you've been mistaken for a girl? I nearly laughed into your mouth."

"You hush! And no, it's not the first time." Remus found a subject change to be best there. "So whose face do you think our dear Prongs had his tongue in?"

"Not Evans." Sirius took out a quill and stopped to doodle on the wall. "There we are!" He stepped back so that Remus could read that it said 'Moony loves Padfoot.'

"Your vandalism is positively sugary." Remus said it coldly, but there was a flattered grin on his face. "The library, wasn't it?"

"Oh, yeah! You did finish you essay, though, right?" Sirius stretched and yawned in his usual puppyish way.

"Yeah…" He winked quite uncharacteristically. "That's definitely not what I was planning to do in the library."


	5. Chapter 5

Hey gang! I've got a good feeling about this chapter; it's the longest one yet. Once again, thanks muchly to all the reviews, I wouldn't know what to do without you guys. Keep at it!

* * *

Sirius and Remus emerged triumphantly from a particularly empty corner of the library, looking flushed and sporting quite guilty smiles. Neither of them had managed to go so far as to take the other's pants off, but the risqué fun of sneaking about to do dirty business had driven them both well past the point of ecstasy. Madam Pince had caught students before, after all.

Remus seated himself on the chair where he'd left his tattered book bag and looked through it distractedly. "What time is it, Padfoot? Transfiguration starts at ten."

"Nine-fifteen. It'll be funny to see if McGonagall treats us a little strangely." Sirius was sitting across from him, resting his chin on his hand and gazing at Remus rather fondly. "Honestly, Moony… I had no idea you could _do_ things like that."

"I doubt she will..." Remus blushed profusely at Sirius's second statement, refusing to address it. "Oh, your robe is a little undone at the top… s-sorry…"

"Is it? You're an animal, Moons." Sirius looked down and began re-doing his robes.

Suddenly an all-too-well-known smirk was heard, and Remus's face went blank with fear. _Not him… not now. _

"Did your scraggly little werewolf get the better of you, pouf?" Snape's voice had its usual irritating soft sneer as he crept up behind Remus. "That weak, _tame_ thing couldn't crush a flobberworm, you must be getting slow."

Sirius made to rise and Remus promptly kicked him in the shin. "_Not now!_" Remus hissed at him.

It seemed that Sirius had passed a certain point of reason, however. "If he's so weak, that only makes you a _coward_ for cornering him." His voice was dangerously quiet.

'Coward' was a word that struck a nerve with Severus, apparently, because his eyes suddenly flashed with a deranged madness and he had his wand out before Sirius finished speaking. "_Sectum—_ack!"

Remus had just neatly elbowed Snape in the ribs with great force. He knew what that curse did, and despite his dislike of confrontations he refused to let his dearest of friends get hurt. "Try that hex on any of us again, Severus, and I will make sure that you regret it." His voice was as even and calm as ever, as though he was merely giving Snape directions to a particular dungeon. "It would be suggestible that you leave the library."

Snape scowled, rubbing his chest gingerly and wheeling around on his heels to leave.

"Thanks, Moony. You didn't have to do that." Sirius looked as though he wasn't sure whether to be upset at Remus for ruining a perfectly good fight, thankful for his help, or amazed at his cool competence in the situation. He must have decided on the latter because he said next, "You'd make an excellent Auror, mate."

"Somehow I don't quite think jabbing someone in the chest and then threatening them would be considered Auror's work." He smiled a little sheepishly at Sirius, despite his dismissive tone. "And besides, I _did_ have to do that. _Sectumsempra_ is filthy magic, and I don't know the countercurse. Didn't particularly fancy you lying in a pool of your own blood, Padfoot." Remus was his usual calm, unreadable self again, but there was a distinct air of distraction about him – worry about Sirius had slightly ruined his mood.

Sirius gave him a thoroughly amused grin and sat down cheerfully. "You're such a lovely peach, Moony."

"Somehow the fact that you also called me an animal a few minutes ago makes me think you may be too eager to label people." Remus sent a wry grin over the book he'd finally found. "Perhaps actually studying something for once would give you a better command of your adjectives."

"My dear Mr. Moony, you're the only one among us – aside from our beloved Wormtail – who ever needs to study. And Merlin knows Wormtail could study day and night and still fail everything. He really shouldn't bother."

"Many, many apologies for not being quite as clever as yourself and Mr. Prongs, good sir." One of their more familiar teasing patterns had fallen into place, and they were both deadpanning spectacularly. Remus closed his book and tossed it at Sirius. "Be a good puppy and quiz me for the charms test."

* * *

Sirius led Remus into Professor McGonagall's classroom. It was double transfiguration with Slytherin, and neither of them looked forward to seeing Snape. He hissed "poufs" at them when they walked by, but Remus just squeezed Sirius's hand warningly and they went on their way without so much as blinking. 

Sirius sat down next to James. "So how did the poem to Evans go?"

"The one I got Moony to write? The man must be in love, because his poem made her smile at me. Well, half-smile. But still! She didn't crumple it up like the one I wrote myself."

Remus sat on Sirius's other side and cut in. "That could just be because Quidditch metaphors aren't all that romantic."

"If _she_ sent _me_ a poem saying my hair was as shiny and black as a bludger's, I'd be extremely smitten." James mussed his hair up to make it look further windblown.

"Only a chap could dream something like that up. You should marry Wormtail here, and then we'd be a set."

Peter blushed bright red and squeaked, "D-don't be silly, P-Padfoot! I wouldn't want to m-marry _James._"

James cast him a sharp look that only the two of them seemed to understand. He turned back to Sirius and said quietly, "What was with you two at breakfast? I was really afraid you'd been having a lover's row."

"What? Oh… yes. We were a bit odd at breakfast. But don't worry; we got it straightened out in that secluded corner of the library." Sirius gave him a cocky grin that implied only one thing.

"I didn't want to hear that! Honestly, you love birds are getting way out of hand. What am I supposed to tell my children some day, when me and Evans get married?" His voice jumped an octave as he said, "'Well, back in my day, my two best friends were flaming homosexuals who made it in the school library as often as they could.'" James was giving them their life's worth of fake glares.

Sirius, however, burst out laughing so loudly that Professor McGonagall scolded him. "Sorry, professor! Yes, I know I haven't gotten about to transfiguring my turtle. I'll get right on it, professor. You can count on me." He gave her a military salute and turned to Remus. "Can you believe what Prongs just said? Him, marry Evans? With children! Oh God, I owe you twenty galleons if that happens. Thirty if one of us tells his kids that we're flamers and have sex in the library."

This was a rather inconvenient time for Lily Evans to walk by their desk. And so, naturally, that's what she did. She turned on the spot to face the four of them when she heard this, her "quaffle red" hair following suit.

"For your information, I would rather marry Peter's turtle over there (which had begun to shoot fire) than marry James Potter. That's right, James. You may have written a better poem this time than your last one, but I still won't go out with you. _Especially_ considering you've gone and had the indecency to snog _him_," She gestured at Peter with disgust, "while trying to court me! Have you _no_ sense of morals?" With that, she stormed off.

Sirius and Remus just stared in horror, while James looked ready to strangle Peter. Finally, Sirius managed to choke something out. "You… you snogged Wormtail?"

"Correction: _He_ snogged _me_," James snarled. Peter squeaked with fright and bent back over his turtle, which promptly burned him. "In the bloody hallway! _Everyone_ saw us!"

This jogged something in Remus's memory. "McGonagall saw you, too, unless you've been snogging other people in the hallway."

James put another disgusted look on his face and turned back to Peter. "You couldn't just _tell_ me you liked me, could you? No. You had to _show_ me and everyone else! Now McGonagall must think that I'm like these two over here, only a good dozen times worse, because it's you."

"Prongs, mate, I'm sure McGonagall doesn't care. She probably thought it was just for giggles."

"Not the way that rat kisses. And besides," James threw another look at Peter, "_Evans_ didn't think it was for giggles."


	6. Chapter 6

Wow, these guys live tangled love lives. Thanks again for all the lovely reviews, and enjoy! This one is painfully short, so I promise the next one will be the longest one yet!

* * *

"So… now Peter fancies James?" Sirius and Remus were walking out of transfiguration, and Sirius was still confused. 

"Kind of makes sense, doesn't it? He's always stared at our Prongs like he was the Sun God." Remus was frowning thoughtfully.

"Is it just me, or is half of this school gay? Next thing you know, Evans will be after Bertha Jorkins."

Remus grinned. "Maybe it's catching from us."

Sirius burst out laughing. "That's got to be it! We're just too bloody hot, mate."

"Speaking of which…" Remus leaned up and licked Sirius's earlobe. "Weren't we going to find an empty classroom?" The two of them and James had a free period – Peter had to go to charms tutoring. "Prongs left in an awful hurry, I don't think he'll miss us…"

Sirius gave a pleasant shudder and eyed Remus. "What is _up _with you, Moony? I've never seen you this anxious for _anything_ before." His face split into a wide grin, eyes sparkling with lust. "You're a _dirty_ wolf."

Remus smiled shyly for a moment, and then gave him a very businesslike look. "A touch of self-confidence can do a world of good, Padfoot. Now… I thought we'd try the right-hand corridor on the third floor, it's almost like a storage area."

With that he took Sirius's hand and they began their walk. Only Nearly Headless Nick passed them, waving jauntily at them with his usual old-fashioned flamboyance. Upon reaching their destination, they began the tried-and-true method of peeking into every door that was ajar. It was assumed that any door that was closed was occupied, either by a teacher or another pair of students.

"Holy--" Decorum insists that the narrator cuts Sirius off there, in case virgin ears should be offended. "Holy… I… they're… what…"

Remus glanced at him inquisitively and went over to look in the door that Sirius couldn't take his eyes away from. What he saw left him as dumbfounded as Sirius. James was standing over a seated Snape, and their _mouths were connected_.

Sirius stormed off angrily, cursing all the way to the Gryffindor common room.

"Padfoot! Wait up!" Remus hurried after him, worried about what Sirius might destroy in anger. He stopped at the fat lady's portrait and panted as he said "duct tape." She seemed to be going through a muggle adhesive phase; last month the password had been 'tacky glue.'

Sirius was throwing rolls of parchment into the fire angrily when Remus walked in. He sighed, rather used to Sirius's temper tantrums by now. "Oh, Padfoot…" He used his most disappointed voice. "That was my transfiguration essay."

This had done the trick, for suddenly Sirius stopped and looked ashamed of himself. "I'm sorry, Moony…"

"It's ok, I remember most of it." Remus collapsed into a squashy loveseat and patted the empty side next to him. "Come and sit down, Padfoot, going and having a fit won't help anything."

"Alright…" Sirius sat in the loveseat, but Remus noticed that his fists were still clenched. "After what that greasy bastard did to you…"

Remus interjected quietly, "There's no way Prongs could have known about that."

"Alright, but… _he_ was kissing _him_! It would have been ok if the slimy git was on top, would have made more sense… but that was Prongs's _fault_. What was he… how… ugh!" He picked up someone's forgotten remembrall and threw it angrily at the wall. "I don't understand. He hates Snape. I hate Snape. You… you don't even hate the werewolf who bit you, so I guess you don't necessarily hate Snape, but…" Sirius sighed and fell silent, still frowning as he failed to comprehend the situation.

It was all Remus could do to snuggle close to Sirius and rest his head on his chest, closing his eyes and thinking as he listened to Sirius's heartbeat.

* * *

(Cue theme from Psycho) Ah ha _ha_, my pretties. Cliffhanger for you!  



	7. Chapter 7

Whoa, I got a major reaction to that last chapter. Even something vaguely resembling a flame. Does this mean I've reached international stardom?

Well, thanks to all who reviewed, even if you were quite incensed by what I wrote. It was something I'd been planning all along! (Much evil laughter)

* * *

The rest of the day was spent with Remus and Sirius trying their best to act natural, and therefore acting strangely enough to end up in St Mungo's. Remus found himself able to do his homework in the common room in the evening, but Sirius left immediately, claiming a headache. Remus waited inconspicuously for everyone but James, who was working on extra work due to quidditch practice, to leave. 

He carefully scooted closer to James and looked at him with what he hoped was a mild expression. "James? Do you think we could talk?"

"Um, sure… What's eating you? There isn't any trouble in lover's paradise, is there?" _Ok, maybe it wasn't such a mild expression._ _Or the fact that I used his actual name gave me away, maybe…_

"No! Um, well…" Remus often found it best not to beat around the bush. "Padfoot and I kind of walked in on you and Snivelly in an empty classroom." He paused for a moment. "I think 'what the Hell' would be a slight understatement."

"Oh… fucknuts." James had a look that suggested the world was falling down around him. "Shit… Moony… I'm so sorry, I don't know…"

Remus looked at him earnestly. "Don't apologize, I'm not upset. I can't say the same for Padfoot, but… I'm really just curious." _Curious may have been a slight understatement, as well. _

"Is Padfoot upset?"

"Murderous would be a somewhat more appropriate term."

"Bugger! Well…" He paused, obviously unsure about where to begin.

Remus suddenly remembered something. "You rushed out of the transfiguration classroom in that direction. Were you going up there to meet him?"

"No! I mean, I was up there to meet him, but not for _that._" He swallowed audibly and continued. "He'd challenged me to a wizard's duel, and when I'd gone up there he just… pounced, and landed this great nasty kiss right on me. And at first I was about to just beat his slimy arse into oblivion, but then he looked me straight in the eye and he looked… scared."

Remus nodded – he had also noticed that. The crazed, frightened look that Snape had when he had Remus cornered. It had made him wonder what someone like Snape would be afraid of in a situation like that. The truth, perhaps?

"Well, anyway, it was just so strange to see him scared; I don't know what I was thinking… I just started snogging him back. And I guess one thing led to another and before I knew what was going on, I had _him_ cornered. Eventually he realized what was going on and just scampered, but…" James trailed off and shrugged, looking very tired. "That's hardly an explanation for anything…"

"It's enough, Prongs." Remus smiled warmly and squeezed James's hand. "Feel free to copy my homework; it's all in the bag, there…" He got up, yawning and stretching. "I'm off to bed, ok?"

"'Night, Moony." James still looked fairly miserable, but Remus was confident that he'd be ok for the night. He wandered out of the room, idly re-doing his ponytail.

"Mm… M-Moony!" Sirius was mumbling in his sleep again, with Remus in his arms. "Sexy… wolf…want you… nmh..." Remus was blushing as he became increasingly aware of something that felt suspiciously like a boner pressed up against his rear end.

"Padfoot! Wake up, will you?" Remus elbowed Sirius and sat up.

"Well hello, Mr. Moony! I had the most wonderful dream about you just now…" Sirius had a rather silly grin plastered on his face, and he sat up to toss his arms around Remus happily.

"Somehow I gathered as much… what's today?"

"Saturday, my cute canine." Sirius yawned, making his endearing puppy-whine noise. "Shall we go down for breakfast? I could eat a hippogriff."

"I'd like to see you say that face-to-face with one." Remus nuzzled Sirius's cheek and got up. "Don't have to wear robes today, do I? Hm…" He rooted around for a shirt in his trunk, eventually choosing an oversized, rusty-colored flannel one. All of his clothes were secondhand and never fit properly. "Does this look ok?"

"Dashing, Moony." Sirius winked, putting on his usual semi-tight jeans and a clean muscle shirt. "Makes you look thinner than ever, though, mate. At breakfast I may just have to force meat down your throat."

"Wow, if that wasn't a double entendre my name is Merlin."

"Well you could take it that way if you like it like that, Moo – ack!" A pillow collided with Sirius's head. "Breakfast, then?"

"Please."

The two of them walked down to the Great Hall together, teasing one another with their usual banter and eventually getting around to talk about flying motorcycles (in other words, Sirius talking about every facet of them known to man and Remus listening politely).

"So, I'm thinking that the new Orion model is what I'm going to be getting… It's a sweet machine, really. Black is always the most stylish color, but I'm thinking that the idea of getting a white one would piss off my parents more…"

"The dog star, Sirius, is Orion the Hunter's dog. That would make you the motorcycle's bitch, wouldn't it?"

"What does the name have to do with anything?" Sirius tossed his arms around vaguely in mock anger. "Honestly, you just don't get it…" He trailed off at the Great Hall's entrance, giving James a dangerous stare. "…I know how to get that bastard back."

"Padfoot! Don't…" Remus faltered as Sirius stormed ahead of him. What could he say to convince Sirius to stop?

James was chatting up Evans at the Gryffindor table, and she actually seemed more flattered than annoyed. James was beaming like a ray of sunshine, obviously amazed at his incredible luck. That is, until Sirius strode calmly behind them and said quite loudly and viciously, "You know, James didn't really write that poem he sent you; he commissioned Remus to do it."

"_What!_?" Evans stood up and looked from Sirius to James. "I can't… I was just starting to like you, too!"

"And Peter wasn't the _only_ person he snogged yesterday, either!" Sirius was sneering with pleasure now, watching James squirm unhappily.

Evans was incensed. "Is that so? Well… Maybe I'll show you how it feels to be treated like that, you _pig!_" She strode over to Remus, who was still standing – quite shocked – at the doorway. She stared at him with her usual intense laser-beam eyes and said, with a slight hint of a sob in her voice, "That poem was beautiful, Lupin. I always liked you quite a bit," and gave him a quick, soft kiss on the lips.

Now, Remus had always liked Lily Evans as well – she was sharp and kind and deeply vindictive, a girl of true character – but he would never even dream of fancying her. She was reserved for James, because they were a love-hate match made in heaven. Not to mention, Remus had never particularly fancied girls. For these reasons, he pulled back and studied her face. "Lily, James only had me write that poem because he couldn't write one that you'd like himself. He cares a lot about you. And playing jealousy games with him won't help anything."

She blushed, seemingly a little shocked by his astute statement, and looked away from him. "I'm sorry, Remus…" She brushed her thick auburn hair out of her face and turned back to the table, acutely aware of everyone's eyes on her. Someone from the Slytherin table shouted, "Been turned down by Loopy Lupin, 'ave ya? That's got to 'urt."

James, meanwhile, looked as though he wasn't sure who to shout at first. Sirius was still sneering at him, and Lily was slinking quite abashedly into her seat at the Gryffindor table. Remus chanced a glance at the Slytherin table and looked for Snape. He found Severus burying himself in his food, refusing to chance meeting James or Remus's eyes.

* * *

I hope that was an adequate explanation. Tune in Saturday for number eight! Thanks again for all the wonderful reviews. 


	8. Chapter 8

Well, this is the last installment! I'm so sorry; did it pop up on you? Well, don't worry, I've got an epilogue on the way. I hope you don't think the ending is too cheesy….

* * *

All eyes in the Great Hall were dashing back and forth between James, Sirius, Remus, and Evans. The teachers that were there all looked as though they were on the edge of jumping out of their seats. Eventually Remus walked over to the other three and looked carefully at Sirius.

He spoke quietly and evenly, knowing he had all the attention he needed. "Padfoot, there's a reason your animal form is a dog. It's because you're loyal to the _death_. How can you turn on your best friend like that?"

"I was doing it for _you!_ That slimy _beast_ tried to…" Sirius suddenly seemed to realize how loudly he was shouting.

"But does it look like I care? Sirius… if you were really doing anything with my honor at heart, you wouldn't be hurting your best friend. I'd never wish for you do to do that." Remus was frowning with concern and finding it increasingly hard not to show how hurt he was. "How would being cruel to James help anything, anyway? All that would do is end the best friendship either if you have ever had."

"…Do you ever get tired of being right all the time?" Sirius must have been so abashed that he was making weak jokes of apology. He sighed and looked at James. "I'm off to the common room, mate. Care to join?" James eyed him for a second, but then stuffed the last piece of bacon in his mouth and nodded. Lily blushed and got up to follow them as they left, and a moment later Peter – who was still excommunicated from James for that disastrous coming-out surprise – grabbed the piece of toast he'd been nibbling on and rushed after them.

James deliberately hung back after a bit of walking and caught Remus's eye. When Remus slowed down, James whispered to him, "Snivelly cornered me with another kiss early this morning, in an empty hallway, and I didn't do a _thing_ to stop him." Bitterness and guilt threatened to overflow in his voice. Remus brushed long, damaged hair out of his eyes to get a better look at James, finding an odd sparkle in his hazel eyes that seemed to be tears.

Remus understood the strange power that Snape's kisses held. They had a violent and brutal, twistedly lust-filled feeling that was hard to shake off. He had gotten the distinct feeling that Severus needed those kisses from Remus as nearly much as he hated Remus. It had been hard to tear himself away from something so odd. "It's all right, Prongs… Padfoot is just—" He paused for a moment, on the brink of telling James why Sirius was being so adamant. "Well, he's got his reasons." He blushed and looked away, painfully aware of James's curious look.

* * *

When they got there, everyone stood in silence for a few minutes.

Lily was the first to speak. "James! I'm so sorry… I should never have done that… I do like you, honest." She gave him a little kiss on the cheek and rushed away, presumably upstairs to her dorm.

James stood there wide-eyed for a moment, and then turned to the other three and whooped loudly. "Thank all of you!" He tackled them in a giant group-hug, as though he had just won a quidditch match. "_You – complete – morons – are – my – best – friends!_"

Sirius looked confused for a moment, and then poked James in the chest. "Remus isn't a moron."

"N-Neither am I!" squeaked Peter. Everyone chose to ignore him.

"Ok then. Moony? You're a _social genius_ who just got my cheek kissed by the finest female alive. Everyone else here is a _moron_ that just got my cheek kissed by the finest female alive."

Remus just grinned shyly and leaned his head against Sirius's shoulder. Sirius, surprisingly, shrugged him off and frowned at James.

"What about this Snivelly business then, eh? You still sucking face with him?" Sirius couldn't have looked more poisonous.

"Padfoot…" James faltered. "I-I'm sorry," he finished lamely. Looking pained and at a loss for words, he turned to look at Remus and opened his mouth to speak.

Sirius cut him off, though, before he had a chance. "Don't even _look_ him in the _eye_, James. Do you know what Snivelly _did_ to him?"

"Not if you won't tell me!" James wheeled around angrily, breathing hard. "You both keep going on about having your mysterious reasons, just what in bloody Hell _are_ they?"

"_SNAPE NEARLY FORCED MOONY TO SUCK HIM!_" Sirius's chest was heaving now, too, and he kept his eyes stuck on James as he and Peter turned to stare at Remus.

Remus crumpled into the nearest chair and stared intently into the Common Room fire. The vocalization of the act had made it seem so much more real. It was no longer a bad dream that he had already woken up from. The overload of painful thoughts in his mind had translated into a vague and fleeting urge to stick his hand in the fire, and he did not realize he was shaking. He was only dimly aware of James storming out of the room with his wand, and did not notice Peter slip out at all. He only entered back into reality when he felt Sirius's arm slide around his shoulders.

"Moony, they've left… James is off to challenge Snape to a proper duel. I told him that if anyone was going to kill Snivellus, it was me, but…" he leaned over and kissed Remus on the forehead. "I guess he wants to make amends or something." Without another word, Sirius pulled Remus close and heaved a heavy sigh. Remus sniffled into Sirius's shirt and inhaled his familiar doggish scent. In the end, all he'd ever need was someone to cling to when the solitary and perilous life of a werewolf got to be too tiresome.

* * *

This is the end… the end, my only friend… I do hope all of you readers and especially you reviewers enjoyed my fic! I love you all ever so dearly, you've built up quite a bit of confidence in my shaky little heart. Stay tuned for my epilogue! 


	9. Epilogue

Here's the epilogue. Hoorah. It takes place in OotP, in chapter 29 (Career Advice) when Harry's just seen Snape's worst memory and goes off to ask Sirius about it. Enjoy.

I'd like to re-iterate my disclaimer here and point out that I would never claim to own Harry Potter. If I ever made such a claim, they'd send me to the loony bin.

* * *

Remus paused, speaking slowly as he tried to explain why James and Sirius had continued to torment Snape even after they'd stopped acting so arrogant all the time at Hogwarts. "Snape was a special case. I mean, he never lost an opportunity to curse James, so you couldn't really expect James to take that lying down, could you?" Hopefully that made more sense to Harry than it did to him.

"And my mum was okay with that?"

Sirius cut in, "She didn't know too much about it, to tell you the truth. I mean, James didn't take Snape on dates with her and jinx him in front of her, did he?" Then his face lit up suddenly and he turned to Remus. "Moony, do you remember that bet we made in transfiguration once…" He whispered into his ear, "About giving you ten extra galleons if you tell Prongs's kid a certain something? I already gave you twenty when Harry was born."

Remus flushed and glanced at Harry, who looked (as usual) quite puzzled. "Well, Merlin knows I haven't got ten galleons to my name… and I suppose it's something worth knowing." He turned back to Harry and paused, thinking of how to tactfully raise the subject. "Er, Harry…"

"Out with it, Moony!" Sirius poked him in the chest with a mischievous grin.

"P—Sirius! Do you want to scar him for life, or shall we do this properly?"

"Do you want your ten galleons?"

Remus sighed with resignation, suddenly aware of how tattered his robes were as a draft blew in. "Fine… Harry, Sirius and I dated at Hogwarts."

"..And?" Harry looked even more perplexed now.

"Er… dated _each other_, that is. We had a bit of a parting just after you were born, but we're together again now." He felt Sirius's calloused hand creep over to hold his. "I hope you're not too entirely shocked," He added kindly. Harry looked back and forth between the two of them, as though waiting for one of them to burst out laughing.

"You still haven't said all of it, Moony…" Sirius winked, still holding Remus's hand.

"I was hoping you'd forgotten about that. Harry, did you know that there's this one particular corner of the Hogwarts library that's perfectly sheltered and devoid of people? You can get away with nearly anything back there." Harry looked uncomfortable, as if he didn't really want to know the relevance of that statement. "And, forgive me, Harry…" Remus paused with concern for the kid's sanity, but then plowed on with determination. "Sirius and I engaged in many, many immoral acts in that spot." He blushed and turned away nervously, focusing on a speck of grime on the floor.

"Is that Kreacher coming downstairs?"

"No," Said Sirius, glancing behind him. "It must be somebody on your end…"

"I'd better go!" Harry took off, looking more than a little relieved that he could leave without having to look them straight in the eye again. His head disappeared from the flames and Sirius immediately dissolved into giggles.

"That's not funny, Sirius, he could be really shaken! I'll send him an owl tonight… I hope he's ok…"

* * *

Ha, that was stupid, I'm sorry… But, on the plus side, I'm announcing plans for a sequel! Hoorah! 


End file.
